i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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