I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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