I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
