I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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