I just pynch a tree in the face
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
