i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
