u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So much rum. So many feels.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
