You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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