I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
