I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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