then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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