I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
