I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
