So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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