HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
