worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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