Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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