just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
