I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
