She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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