You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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