I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
