There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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