You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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