My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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