i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
