I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
