I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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