tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
