Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
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She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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