He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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