Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
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You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.