Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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