Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
where does the pee come out of this thing
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
