i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
