i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
