Will you blow on my dice?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
