wat bout pragnant strippers??
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
