Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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