last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
