the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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