oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
