That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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