Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Your penis caused this!
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