And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
