WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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