I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
