my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
