so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
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I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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