I faked an abortion last night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
