Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
