i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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