Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
my liver is dry heaving
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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