It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
