It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
