im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
