I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
