You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
