Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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